Stay Anchored in Hope

An odd thing happened today…I had to return to work. And, as much as it sucks, it was just business-as-usual. There are no lasting effects, at least not here for me, from my sisters loss. I miss her, of course, but seeing as how I’m 2200 miles away on a normal day (and some 7000 miles away at other times), Shayna hasn’t been a part of my daily life since the summer of 1995, my last summer at “home” before spending summers up at GVSU attending courses.

As much as the funeral tore me up, after it, I had made my peace with things. Yes, it was odd staying several days at Dan’s house (I don’t want to call it Shayna’s house anymore) without her there, but we did. For most of the last week we were there in Michigan, I met my future in-laws, and we spent time with my future MIL in Eaton Rapids. It was good, I don’t think I could have stayed around Dan’s house that whole time, and I really, truly felt he had a lot of order to re-establish in his house, and I didn’t want five extra visitors to be in the way.

DeLainey and Selena returned to school the monday after their mom’s funeral. That’s also part of why we left on Sunday, the day after the funeral-I didn’t want my kids, who couldn’t go back to school because we were so far away, to distract them and make them stay up too late, etc.

Dan went back to work the following Friday. He’s dealing with this, he’s a 31 year old widower, and I’m not sure what I’d do in the situation either. I know everyone says it, but I really hope he realizes that I’m here if he needs anything. I do worry about him, but at least he has a support system (his family) nearby, and they’ve done a good job of making sure he has someone there if they think he needs someone.

Even moreso than Dan, I am worried about my mom. She truly lost her best (only?) friend, the one she did everything with. She was crying as we were leaving for Darlene’s, and I felt horrible leaving her. She returned to work today as well, and I know her return is likely to mean more crying, as she’s going to, again, have to deal with people and their wishes of sympathy, much like at the viewings. I hope, for her sake, that everyone just leaves her alone, and I’m not saying that to be mean, I just know my mom and it’d be easier on her.

Even harder today was the fact that Mary and I had spent damn near every minute of the past 2+ weeks together, and for 8 hours or so today (plus softball practice, which Colbi Lyn and I return to today), we’ve had to be apart.

So, today was rather uneventful in my return to work. No cards on my desk (thankfully), no emails of condolences and sorrow. I guess my real test with missing my sister will be one of the numerous Breast Cancer Walks/Runs I do (both the Network of Strength’s “Walk to Empower” on Mother’s Day, and City of Hope’s “Walk for Hope” are coming up in May), when I will have to walk “In Memory of” my sister, as opposed to “In Honor of” her. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle this year’s Breast Cancer 3-Day (which I’m not walking due to the fact that I’ll be deployed, but I’m still participating in by doing all the fundraising and training for as much as I can)-I’m sure I’d spend a lot of the 3 days crying, not just during Opening and Closing ceremonies like usual.

I’m marrying my beautiful bride-to-be, Mary, a month from today. We got engaged at the end of November and had planned to get married in August, as I was supposed to go on leave then while I was in transit to my next command. We figured that gave us enough time to both plan and save money for the wedding.

But, of course, the Navy decided to transfer me early, which I was 100% OK with, which derailed those plans. Just to get it done before, in order to be married before I deployed later this year, we decided to get married on the only week we could pull the girls out of school for an extended period of time for-Spring Break, which also happened to be Easter weekend.

She really wanted to get married at the Olivet Congregational Church. Having a church wedding on a religious holiday weekend became difficult to plan. So, we planned a Wednesday wedding, to avoid the holidays. And, it just so happened that it was also April Fool’s Day, which I found humorous. (It also happens to be my mom and her husbands anniversary.)

Let me tell you-wedding planning is not easy, particularly when you’re doing it in a short amount of time (2 months) and from 2200 miles away. There are so many things you have to figure out and plan. Throw a modest budget on top of that and it’s more difficult. Add a lifelong procrastinator on top of it and it’s even worse.

The worst part about this is that, now, my sister Shayna’s absence will be greatly felt at the wedding. After she started to get sicker, her last major milestone that she was trying to make it to was my wedding day. She fell 35 days short of making it there. 35 days later, I’m sure the pain will still be felt by all.

One of the things that mom said to me that spurred my decision to try to make it out before Shayna was gone was that she was so happy I’d finally found someone, and she’d hoped to meet her. I wanted them to meet as well, as they are two of the 3 grown women who mean the world to me (mom being the other).

The benefit to being here before the wedding, with several days to spare, is that we’re able to take care of some wedding planning in person

So, today, we finally visited the VFW, where the reception will be held. It was pretty spacious, and we were glad to see where it would be held. We hope to see the church this week as well.

We had planned to buy some of the items in San Diego (table decorations, candles, etc.) and send out here in the mail. We also needed to help my best man get his tux, and buy dresses for DeLainey and Selena, which we figure would be a good distraction this weekend.