I started college in August of 1994, at Olivet College in, (shocker!) Olivet Michigan. (NOTE: Mary likes to point out that she was in 2nd grade when I graduated HS in 1994-I like to point out that while that’s true, the funnier thing is that at 23, with soon-to-be step-daughters that are almost 11 and 9, she’s likely to be a grandmother in her early 30’s…I think I win that argument). OC was a mere 5-minute drive from my mom’s house, where I still lived. Seeing as how I didn’t live on-campus and “commuted” to school, I was technically a “Non-Traditional Student”, and was in the Non-Traditional Student Organization (NTSO), and hung out in the NTSO lounge when I wasn’t in class. I was elected as the NTSO Representative on the Student Government Association (Student Senate), I worked at the Olivet Echo as a staff writer, WOCR 89.5 FM as a DJ, and earned a spot on the Dean’s List with my GPA of 3.5. I enjoyed my time there, but it was too close to home, and felt like High School all over again (live at home, drive to school, come home from school). I had to leave…

Which lead me to Grand Valley State University, which is where I wanted to go in the first place, since two years before when my friend Candy went there. I spent 6 semesters there, from second semester my Freshman year, through the end of my Junior year, including a summer. I was heavily involved in organizations while at GVSU, from Delta Sigma Phi to Student Senate to Spotlight Productions. I also worked as a receptionist in the Student Life Office, working as a Building Manager during the summers (I managed the Student Center, where Wedding Receptions and other parties were held, and the “Chapel” next door, where Weddings themselves were held). Oh yeah, and in 1996, I was nominated (by Spotlight Productions) for the Homecoming Court. Obviously I wasn’t selected as Homecoming King, but it was cool regardless. I left GVSU with a 2.46 GPA, which wasn’t horrible, but wasn’t terrible either.

So, why did I leave GVSU? Well, honestly, because I was sick of college. I was entering my fourth year, and I didn’t have enough credits to be a Senior yet because I found a loophole with financial aid…see, you had to sign up for 12 (or more credits) to be a full-time student. However, if you dropped a class, after the money-back period, you were still, technically, a full-time student. So, that’s what I did-I signed up for 12+ credits, then dropped a class, dropping down to 9-10 credits each semester. The only problem was, that to continue receiving financial aid, you had to average 10 credits passed a semester. Not a problem, right? Well, not a problem until my last semester there, when I dropped to my customary 9 credits and then failed a class, giving me 59 credits after 6 semesters. I then lost my financial aid.

The most ironic thing? The class I failed was a computer hardware class. I didn’t want to be a computer hardware guy-I wanted to be a software weenie. So, I just didn’t put forth effort in the class (there were some extenuating circumstances that semester as well, with a break-up that wasn’t good and one of my Fraternity brothers getting in a bad drunk driving accident). So, I left college and joined the Navy…to become a computer hardware guy. Yep, I failed the class in college because I didn’t want to work on computer and LAN hardware, and yet I came into the Navy and became great at it.

Again though, I left mostly because I was sick of college. I had changed my major so many times, between Communications, Journalism, Criminal Justice, Public Relations, Sociology, Computer Science…I didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do…When I came into the Navy, I had two options: 1) a Selective Enlistment Bonus (SEB) of $4,000, or 2) $20,000 on top of my GI Bill for College. Needless to say, I chose the SEB, and after taxes I got $2800.

However, in 1999, onboard the USS Constellation, an Aircraft Carrier, I took a couple of PACE (Program for Afloat College Education) courses through Central Texas College, as we had actual instructors underway with us. I took Personal Finance (a business course) and College Algebra. In 2001, I took two more classes: Trigonometry and Technical Writing through CTC and a Creative Writing course through Troy State University (all through PACE, all on-board the ship with instructors). At this point, I was just taking classes for the “fun” of it. My CTC GPA was 3.2 and my Troy State University GPA was 3.0.

In-between, in 2000, I realized that with all my previous credits, both college and credits for my military schooling, I could do a single course and get my Associate of Arts (with a focus in Electronics Technology) from the University of Phoenix. So, I did. In 2002, I decided to get my Bachelor’s Degree, so I went back to U of P (online) in their Bachelor’s of Science in Information Technology (BSIT) program, which I did not particularly like. I stayed there for a few classes before realizing I didn’t particularly like the program. I had a 2.87 GPA in my AAET program, and a 3.46 GPA in my BSIT program.

ITT Technical Institute offered a better online program (a Bachelor’s of Science in Information Systems Security). I transferred and began there in 2004, completing my degree in 2005. I liked the program at ITT Technical Institute so much, and didn’t figure to ever pursue any educational opportunities higher than a BS, that I ignored the fact that it was Nationally Accredited and not Regionally Accredited. I didn’t allow anyone to explain the differences to me, I just assumed that Nationally Accredited was fine. This became an issue when I decided, in 2008, to get my Master’s Degree, as Nationally Accredited is actually the “bad” accredidation. When I started looking around, I had very few options…practically no colleges would take my degree and allow me to enter Grad School, and I didn’t want to go back to ITT Tech. Instead, I went back to the University of Phoenix. At this point, I was more open to the things that I didn’t like back in 2002-2003 (the “Learning Team” concept mostly), which was good because that’s how their Grad School was set up as well. Now, through collaborative tools that I use for work, I realized how crucial “Learning Teams” are because in a lot of industries, my shore duty included, we work via virtual means and aren’t in the same geographic location. Hell, I’m stationed in San Diego, but I’m Mustered (accounted for, for all you non-military people) in Washington, D.C. every day.

So, the long story broken down: overall, I’ve taken 67 courses from 10 different institutions of higher learning for 212 college credits. I have a cumulative GPA of 2.9. I’m finally ready for a real break…lol…

Of course, I’ll probably take a couple on deployment unless I get there too late…maybe some more Sociology or Psychology courses…who knows…

I hadn’t always felt that way, of course. When she was first brought home from the hospital, when I was just over 2 years old, I referred to her as “my baby”; and when she cried, I’d say “don’t tie-you all night” (“don’t cry, you’re all right”) and try to soothe her. Just like while she was fighting cancer, I didn’t want my little sister to be in pain and/or cry then either.

No, she became Shayna Paina much later. My parents were separated when Shayna was born. They got back together eventually (only to divorce 6-7 years later), but my father had missed her birth. Whether that is significant in and of itself, I’m not sure. However, what I am sure of is that for as long as I remembered, dad always showed favoritism toward my sister. It was so prevalent, mom says, that by the time Shayna was a teenager, it made her feel bad, despite the fact that there was nothing she could do about it, and nothing she did caused it.

Today, I don’t begrudge my sister anything. However, I can’t say that was true while growing up. I harbored some resentment towards her, as she was the apple of daddy’s eye, and I felt I should be, given that I am the first-born son. So, when dad was involved, anytime anything would happen, I’d get in trouble. If Shayna cried, I was immediately at fault for doing something wrong.

I’m not going to lie and say I was a perfect angel, or even a “good” brother most of the time-that would be a blatant lie. However, there were plenty of times I for in trouble when I did nothing wrong, just by virtue of her crying. It was a sneaky little trick!

Eventually, I caught on, and figured if she cried, I knew I’d get into trouble, so I may as well make it worth it and hit her or something and give her a reason to cry. I told you I wasn’t going to lie…I gave her plenty of reasons to cry. Hell, if I was going to get in trouble for something, I may as well get in troubel for something I’d actually done, right?

This continued for a long time. Although we were close in High School, sitting together at lunch (I was dating one of her friends) most of the time, by no means did that mean that I didn’t think she was a pain in the ass still, and I know she felt the same of me. We tolerated each other; we didn’t despise each other.

Of course, as young adults, we got closer, despite the difference. I was home from college when she told mom that she was pregnant around Christmas 1995-I told her she had to tell her while I was still there, because we really didn’t know how mom would react. I think that was the beginning of me realizing she just wasn’t my little sister anymore, she was an adult (despite that she was 17) and I don’t remember any hard feelings between us after that. Our interaction had been forever changed from that moment forward.

I’m not going to give the article away, I think you all should read it, but let’s just say I thought it was really cool (particularly because it was my favorite team that did so) and is worth a look.

I’m just surprised I hadn’t seen it prior to this.

As much as the funeral tore me up, after it, I had made my peace with things. Yes, it was odd staying several days at Dan’s house (I don’t want to call it Shayna’s house anymore) without her there, but we did. For most of the last week we were there in Michigan, I met my future in-laws, and we spent time with my future MIL in Eaton Rapids. It was good, I don’t think I could have stayed around Dan’s house that whole time, and I really, truly felt he had a lot of order to re-establish in his house, and I didn’t want five extra visitors to be in the way.

DeLainey and Selena returned to school the monday after their mom’s funeral. That’s also part of why we left on Sunday, the day after the funeral-I didn’t want my kids, who couldn’t go back to school because we were so far away, to distract them and make them stay up too late, etc.

Dan went back to work the following Friday. He’s dealing with this, he’s a 31 year old widower, and I’m not sure what I’d do in the situation either. I know everyone says it, but I really hope he realizes that I’m here if he needs anything. I do worry about him, but at least he has a support system (his family) nearby, and they’ve done a good job of making sure he has someone there if they think he needs someone.

Even moreso than Dan, I am worried about my mom. She truly lost her best (only?) friend, the one she did everything with. She was crying as we were leaving for Darlene’s, and I felt horrible leaving her. She returned to work today as well, and I know her return is likely to mean more crying, as she’s going to, again, have to deal with people and their wishes of sympathy, much like at the viewings. I hope, for her sake, that everyone just leaves her alone, and I’m not saying that to be mean, I just know my mom and it’d be easier on her.

Even harder today was the fact that Mary and I had spent damn near every minute of the past 2+ weeks together, and for 8 hours or so today (plus softball practice, which Colbi Lyn and I return to today), we’ve had to be apart.

So, today was rather uneventful in my return to work. No cards on my desk (thankfully), no emails of condolences and sorrow. I guess my real test with missing my sister will be one of the numerous Breast Cancer Walks/Runs I do (both the Network of Strength’s “Walk to Empower” on Mother’s Day, and City of Hope’s “Walk for Hope” are coming up in May), when I will have to walk “In Memory of” my sister, as opposed to “In Honor of” her. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle this year’s Breast Cancer 3-Day (which I’m not walking due to the fact that I’ll be deployed, but I’m still participating in by doing all the fundraising and training for as much as I can)-I’m sure I’d spend a lot of the 3 days crying, not just during Opening and Closing ceremonies like usual.

However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t recognize some people, without whom this incredibly difficult process would have been even more difficult.

Above is a scrapbook that Missy made for me. It was very sweet and there are pics from my 3 Breast Cancer 3-Days, and there’s plenty of room for more pictures. It was a very heart-felt gesture, and I appreciate it.

Most importantly, I need to thank the Ray family-Cathie, Candy (Tenney), Felicia and Heather (McHale). They were always like a second family to Shayna and I, and they showed that they still were, after so many years.

First off, Cathie is the one who graciously set up the Website for Shayna, where people could post messages (and the ones that were received before she passed were read to her there in Hospice) and donate to help the family out.

Being a family of 5 now, it wasn’t easy for us to get anywhere, and having a wedding coming up next month, we were short on cash to rent a vehicle. Felicia picked us up in Cathie’s van, had us drop her off at work, and we had use of the van for a few days.

When Cathie needed her van back, Heather coordinated with my friend Andy, who’d offered the use of his Jeep to us (but it only had 4 seats/seatbelts and couldn’t fit all of us) and lent us her car while borrowing the Jeep. This way we could avoid spending $500 or so on renting a car-we couldn’t afford that, and we couldn’t be without a vehicle.

Candy spent several days working on the slideshow that was shown at the luncheon after the funeral. I know it was incredibly difficult for her, looking at 32 years of pictures, setting them up in order, setting it to music…I know she spent a lot of time crying while working on it. I was very composed all through Friday, and Saturday morning (Thursdays viewing was rough for a while), and had my mind set to be strong and composed when I read my part of the eulogy. That went to hell after I saw the slideshow-I lost my composure and didn’t regain it until after the interment.

But, of course, the Navy decided to transfer me early, which I was 100% OK with, which derailed those plans. Just to get it done before, in order to be married before I deployed later this year, we decided to get married on the only week we could pull the girls out of school for an extended period of time for-Spring Break, which also happened to be Easter weekend.

She really wanted to get married at the Olivet Congregational Church. Having a church wedding on a religious holiday weekend became difficult to plan. So, we planned a Wednesday wedding, to avoid the holidays. And, it just so happened that it was also April Fool’s Day, which I found humorous. (It also happens to be my mom and her husbands anniversary.)

Let me tell you-wedding planning is not easy, particularly when you’re doing it in a short amount of time (2 months) and from 2200 miles away. There are so many things you have to figure out and plan. Throw a modest budget on top of that and it’s more difficult. Add a lifelong procrastinator on top of it and it’s even worse.

The worst part about this is that, now, my sister Shayna’s absence will be greatly felt at the wedding. After she started to get sicker, her last major milestone that she was trying to make it to was my wedding day. She fell 35 days short of making it there. 35 days later, I’m sure the pain will still be felt by all.

One of the things that mom said to me that spurred my decision to try to make it out before Shayna was gone was that she was so happy I’d finally found someone, and she’d hoped to meet her. I wanted them to meet as well, as they are two of the 3 grown women who mean the world to me (mom being the other).

The benefit to being here before the wedding, with several days to spare, is that we’re able to take care of some wedding planning in person

So, today, we finally visited the VFW, where the reception will be held. It was pretty spacious, and we were glad to see where it would be held. We hope to see the church this week as well.

We had planned to buy some of the items in San Diego (table decorations, candles, etc.) and send out here in the mail. We also needed to help my best man get his tux, and buy dresses for DeLainey and Selena, which we figure would be a good distraction this weekend.

Eulogizing my sister, Shayna

The Pastor who delivered the memorial service for Shayna had never met her, but  he was the official at the church that her and her family attended (Thornapple Valley Church).  We met with him on Thursday to talk and get a feeling for how things were going to go, and for him to get a feeling of who she was.  In talking with us, we decided it was best if he not deliver a prepared Eulogy; between Selena, my mom and I, we would take care of it, as we planned to open the floor so that anyone could speak, and the three of us were definitely speaking (or being spoken for).  Selena was designated first up when he opened the floor, and I was to go next.  Mom had Cathie Ray read her Eulogy, because she knew she wouldn’t be able to be composed enough to do so.  After that, Colbi Lyn went up, a representative from her work at Borgess went up, and our step-mother Diane also went up.  Needless to say, there was a lot of crying, and I am man enough to admit that I did a lot as well while I was delivering my part of the Eulogy.

Although I am the one who typed all three, I don’t feel comfortable sharing Selena’s and mom’s.  However, these were heartfelt words from me, and I want to share with you the words I said about my amazing sister, Shayna, at her funeral. 

Shayna and I were your typical 80’s, brother and sister.  Our parents divorced before we were teens, mom got a job that was second shift, and we were latch-key kids.  We played Barbies together, we played GI Joes together.  We loved each other, we fought with each other, we pestered each other, and we got each other in trouble. 

When she came into high school two years after I did, we became good friends, and I hung out with her and her friends at lunch and at other school events.  I was happy to spend time with my little sister.

But, something happened when gave me my first beautiful niece, whom I used to call “Baby Dee” and she showed me the importance of life.  Eventually she married one of my childhood friends, Danny, who lived practically around the corner of us.  I was very happy for them.  After another niece, and making me proud by graduating from college, she began to amaze me even more.  I admired her as a mother; I admired her as a sister; and I admired her as a person.  The world was made better by Shayna’s presence in it. 

In 2005, she was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  We had absolutely no cancer in our family at that point, and with her being a young 27, it was not something we’d expected.  She was strong, did her treatments and surgery, and was declared cancer-free the following year. 

I was naïve about cancer then, and although I’ve learned a lot, I still feel very naïve about it.  After about a year without cancer, it came back.  I never knew it could do that, and that really caught me off guard.  Ever the fighter, she didn’t let it faze her, despite the damage it was doing on her body.As the fight raged on, I was so incredibly proud of my sister, and saw a lot of mom’s strength in her, maybe even more so than mom.  I truly admired her, and I admired her battle, more than she could ever know.  She quickly became my hero, and fortunately, I was able to tell her that before it was too late, although it was much later than it should have been. 

Being the big brother, I felt compelled to help, despite being so far away.  Since I wasn’t able to assist her personally, I was inspired to get involved in the Breast Cancer 3-Day events, which have changed my life, and events like the Walk for Hope and Race for the Cure.  Shayna had far more people praying for her, just from hearing her story from me, than she could have ever known. 

I have been walking “In Honor of” her for so long and in so many events, I knew the day would come where I had to walk “In Memory of” her instead.  I just hoped that time would be a long time away. 

When her she started getting worse last month, we knew the end was near.  I kept getting calls and emails from those concerned, telling me I needed to come home to see her.  It was a very rough month for me, although I feel it was far easier on me than if I was here and had to witness it.  Once she went in to Hospice last week, I made the decision that I had to wait until she was gone to come home, in order to be here for the funeral.  That was more important to me than seeing her before she was gone-I wanted to be able to help Danny, mom and the girls when they needed it most, and I would have felt horrible to actually miss the funeral. 

On Sunday, that changed…mom did let me know that it the end was very near, and shared with me that Shayna was happy that I’d finally met someone that made me happy, and that the last big milestone she was trying to make it to was our wedding.  It was at that point that I decided I wanted to come back and let her meet Mary before it was too late.  Unfortunately, we didn’t make it in time. 

Colbi, my youngest daughter, asked me a question the day that her Auntie Shayna died.  Actually, she asked me about 100 questions, ranging from “where will Auntie be buried” to “will Auntie be cremated”?  However, the question that she asked that stuck out most in my head was “now that Auntie’s gone, will you still do the Breast Cancer walks”, to which I immediately replied “absolutely.”  As much as I hoped that my participation in these walks would benefit Shayna in her battle, I knew with her aggressive cancer, that it wasn’t likely.  However, as I told Colbi, I have to keep walking, so that no other mothers, wives, aunties and sisters have to be lost.  I know how it is to lose a sibling, and for my girls to lose their aunt, for one of my childhood friends to lose his wife, and for my beautiful nieces to lose their mother, and it’s horrible and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. 

Shayna is gone, but her legacy is far from over.  She has left her impression on so many people that it will live on forever.  This week, I not only lost my sister, but I lost a good friend and the world lost one of it’s best people.  I love you Shayna, and I miss you already.

What I didn’t say was that I didn’t know if I could just come out there to say “good bye” to my sister, intentionally knowing that I wouldn’t see her again. I’m not built that way…I’m the kid that hated going to see Grandma in the nursing home, because of the sense of impending death, and because of the others in the home (one thought I was her son even.) Shayna was the one that didn’t mind, and even worked there for a time. We’re two different people.

Last Thursday, as she’s laying there at Rose Arbor (a Hospice Facility in Kalamazoo), it looked like the end was very near, so much so that mom called me and had me say “good bye” to Shayna over the phone…it looked like she had hours to live at that point. However, Shayna, ever the fighter, pulled through and gave herself a few more days, but days that were in a great amount of pain. In the end, she had cancer in her bones and her brain, both incredibly painful cancers, and she’s allergic to Morphine, so they weren’t able to manage the pain very well. I said my “good bye” to her, crying and telling her she was my hero and that I loved her. I told the girls that night about how bad she was, as all I’d said previously was that she wasn’t doing well, that we didn’t know if she’d be able to attend the wedding, which is barely more than a month away now, and that we were going to be OK if she wasn’t feeling up to coming to the wedding, we’d see her regardless. I had the girls call and say their “good bye’s” to her on Saturday. Fortunately, that seemed to have the desired effect, they were able to talk about Auntie Shayna without crying. It seems to have provided closure.

Of course, I got a lot more frantic “you need to come home-NOW” requests/demands from my friends and family. I don’t hold it against everyone, I know they care, and I know that they don’t really know how uncomfortable it was going to be for me to come home to tell her “good bye” in person, and that I didn’t want her on her deathbed to be the last memory I had of her.

So, I gambled. On one hand, I had the option to have mom send a Red Cross message so that I could take Emergency Leave and be by my sister on her deathbed, waiting for her to pass, but seeing her before it was too late. But, she’s a fighter, and if she kept fighting as long as I was there, I wasn’t going to be able to come home for her funeral as well. On the other hand, I could wait until after she passed, and then come home for the funeral. I wouldn’t get to see her before she was gone, but I’d be able to be there for Mom, Danny and the girls in the aftermath.

I initially chose the latter…to ensure that I would be there for the funeral. That, to me, was the most important thing, and it was really the easier thing as well…to be reactionary, as I typically am. Don’t get me wrong-it was painful, and it was a decision I was wrestling with internally. It was hard to know that the call that your sister is dead is coming soon…

However, in talking with my mom on Sunday, I changed my mind. Mom sounded really confident that if I came out now, I would likely be there before the end, and for the funeral. That seemed like a win-win situation for me, especially after she talked with the Nurses and everyone on Monday. I informed my boss on Sunday that it was likely I’d be taking Emergency Leave on Tuesday or Wednesday and would be coming to Michigan for a couple of weeks, to give myself the best chance to be there to say good bye, but also to be at the funeral. I got him to sign a leave chit for me on Monday, so that I had that whenever I needed it. I would be on leave from February 24th-March 10th. That, I figured, gave me the best chance to get home and be there to say “good bye” and for the funeral.

One of the things that Mom said that caught my attention was that Shayna had told her how happy she was that I’d finally found someone (Mary, obviously) and mom wanted to give Shayna the chance to meet her future sister-in-law, and vice-versa. That was honestly what swayed me. Mary’s been amazing in her support of my Breast Cancer advocacy, and she’s even allowing us to tell people that for the wedding, in lieu of wedding gifts, we would prefer that they donate to her participation in the San Diego 3-Day for the Cure walk for this year. She’s walking her first 3-Day, as I’ll be deployed and will be unable to do so in person. (I’ll be doing so virtually, raising the money, but not physically walking.)

Mom sent the Red Cross message yesterday, and honestly, I got it a hell of a lot faster than I got my last one (when my father died-I found out at 730am that he was dead via an email from my sister, I was Helicoptered off the ship at about 2pm, some 6 hours later, and still had not received the message by then), and I’d already had my boss sign my leave chit, so, all I had left was to go to the Navy/Marine Corps Society on Tuesday, in order to get a loan for the $2,000 or so it would take to get the family back there, and we’d be able to get out there.

I went, and it was relatively quick and painless…it was expensive, but that’s why they loaned me the money (to be repaid over the next 12 months), but they got us a flight-we’d leave tonight at 10:45, take the red-eye, and be in Kalamazoo, MI tomorrow at 8am. All Shayna had to do was pull through for another day, and the girls and I would be able to see her, and she’d be able to meet her future sister-in-law, see her nieces that adore her, and, of course, see her brother one last time.

But, as much of a fighter as she is (well, was), it didn’t play out that way. Less than an hour after I’d secured our plane tickets home (at about 1:30pm Eastern Time), I got the phone call, right as I had pulled up to work and parked. Mom didn’t have to actually say it, because from the silence on her end when I picked up, and the fact that we had just talked and I’d told her about when we were coming in, I knew damn well what the phone call was about.

Expecting the phone call over the past few days, and knowing what that particular call was about many seconds before the phrase was said, didn’t make hearing it any easier to hear. I called up work and let my supervisor know that there was no way I could compose myself enough to come into work due to what happened, and I came home. I’m not on leave yet, but there’s no chance I’m working right now. There’s too much to do, and too many tears being shed. Luckily, because we have been anticipating this, we’ve got all of our “ducks in a row”, we’ve informed the schools, we’ve informed the extra-curriculars, and we’re all set to depart for two weeks.

My sister is my hero, and although she has left us, her legacy is far from over. She was a hell of a fighter, and stared down a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer, even after it spread to her brains and bones and caused her a lot of pain. Mom said that even on her deathbed, in the amount of pain she was in, she wasn’t bitching about it like normal people would. She was very strong, even at the end.

Her legacy will continue to be carried on by those of us who knew and loved her, including myself and my participation in the 3-Day for the Cure&tm; events, her children and nieces that knew and loved her, those who drew inspiration from her strength, and those who have been touched by her story, as more people have than she could have possibly imagined or realized.

Shayna Ann (Himebaugh) Vickery was born on January 24th, 1978 to Robert (Bo) Joe Himebaugh and Tirrel Wood. She left this world a mere 32 years later, far too soon; leaving behind a husband, Danny Vickery, and two daughters, DeLainey Hanley (13) and Selena Vickery (10).

I have dealt with a lot of loss in my life, more than some, less than others, but a lot considering I’m only 34 years old. I have had friends die (like Drew Manning and Jimmy Kuykendall), and I’ve lost all my grandparents, and even my father.

My Maternal Grandfather (Richard A. Wood), a WWII Army Veteran, passed before I was born; I ended up with his first name as my middle name. About 10-12 years later, my Grandma re-married, to Donald Eldridge, the man I knew as Grandpa since I was about 9 years old.

Grandpa Bob and I, days after I was born

Grandma Ruth and I, days after I was born

In 1998, after I was in the Navy, and was in Electronics Technician “A” School in Great Lakes, IL, my Uncle Dick (Richard, after his father) passed. He’d been battling Huntington’s Disease since the 1970’s and I had seen him deteriorate in that time. He was my closest uncle, as I used to spend a great deal of time spending the night at his house, with my cousin Dave, who was the closest cousin in age to me, but 10 years my senior (Shayna and I are the last of the grandchildren, and we’re actually barely older than the great-grandchildren on that side of the family). I also saw him every weekend, from about 1985 until I went off for college for good in 1996 and then into the Navy in 1997, as we always brought him to Grandma and Grandpa’s on Saturdays when we visited.

Colbi Lyn and Grandma Bernita, April 2002

Grandpa Don, Justyce, Selena, DeLainey and Colbi-11/2004

Papa Bo and his girls, 11/2004

Colbi Saluting Grandma Bo at his funeral

I say that that was the hardest thing I’d dealt with up to that point, because I’m positive my sister’s funeral will be even more difficult on me. I know she’s been battling this disease for quite some time now, and she’s been quickly deteriorating, but it doesn’t make it easy that I’m losing my only sister when she’s 32 years old.

UPDATE 2/20/10:Unintentionally, I also left off a few of the family members I wasn’t as close to. My Aunt Jeanine passed away in 2007 after a long battle with Multiple Sclerosis. She’d been diagnosed with MS as long as I could remember.

I have also lost two of my cousins, both children of my mom’s oldest sister (Vonnie), to cancer. Shortly after Shayna was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, my cousin Steve was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. He lived longer than they had told him he would, and passed away about 2 years later after he had been given 6 months to live. My cousin Marla, his sister, passed away last year due to Lung Cancer.

It started out normal, as I actually did get up to PT (ok, so maybe me making it to the gym wasn’t normal per se, but it is always my intention) and came in to work. Work was…well…work, and I’ll get more into that in a bit.

We had a phone conference (phonecon) for our team, where we go over the projects that we are working on. These things can last a few minutes to a couple of hours-on Tuesday, we actually had a 2 1/2 hour phonecon between our team. I’m not a big fan of where I work (it bores me to death, among other things), which is why I ended up terminating my Shore Duty a few months early so that I could go back to Sea. Back to the point, the phonecons are dry and boring, and I typically get up and go to the bathroom, or get a drink, or something every half-hour or so-just to get up and walk around and avoid falling asleep (which I would do if I didn’t get up semi-frequently).

So, we’d been in the phonecon for 45 minutes, and I got up to go to the bathroom. I then stopped by my desk, in order to check my phone (as I often do) to see if Mary’s texted me or anything. Well, there were two missed calls from my mom (10:11 am and 10:16am) and two corresponding voicemails. Just for the record, my mom isn’t one to call repeatedly unless something is wrong, particularly when she knows I would be at work. I checked the first voicemail shortly after 10:30, and it was mom, crying, telling me to call her. Obviously I started crying, skipped the second VM and called her right back.

Luckily(?), it wasn’t what I had thought…Shayna was still alive, but barely. Mom told me to tell her good bye because she wasn’t going to last long. At that point, it literally looked like she had minutes-to-hours, not months-to-a-year as her doctor had told her a few weeks ago. Still crying, I told her that I loved her, that she was my hero and that I was proud of her. I think I just repeated those things a few times, I was a bit in shock. I’ve never had to make a “deathbed phone call” before, and I hope I never will again.

I took a few (SEVERAL) minutes to compose myself, and let them finish up with the phonecon, and then I went in and told my boss what happened. I was kinda numb to be honest. He said “whatever you need, Chief” and I just came back out and got on the computer, knowing I wasn’t going to work, but needing something to occupy my time (so I read up on some Hardball Talk, as I’m an avid baseball freak). After about 10 minutes, my boss told me to go home if I needed to, and I honestly took him up on it because staying at work would drive me nuts even more than being at home would.

The rest of the day went well, but it was incredibly difficult. I went home, talked to Mary about the course of events that would happen once Event 0* happened. After Event 0, mom would call me to let me know. This would set into motion an important chain of events. First, she would have to call the American Red Cross and get a record message to me. This is due to the fact that I can’t take Emergency Leave without it, and also for the fact that I don’t have enough money to come back to Michigan on short-notice right now, as all of our money has gone towards our wedding and our trip at the end of next month (which I hoped Shayna would still be around for, and I’d be able to see her and tell her good bye then). After this message, I would be able to get a no-interest loan from the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society (NMCRS) in order to fly myself, Mary, Justyce, Colbi and Devin back to MI. I remember when my father died in 2006 and I had to do the same thing, it cost the girls and I over $2000 to fly home, even on the Military Rate (an aside: the Military rate was cheaper than the Bereavement rate-I find this absolutely criminal.)

Back to yesterday-once I knew mom was calling the Red Cross, I would need to inform the TSC Quarterdeck (the building in which my command resides) and let them know that an AMCROSS is on the way and I need to know when it comes in (I’ve got to have the actual Date-Time Group from the message in order to talk to NMCRS). Now, this is where being the only military member in my command (I work for/with two retirees) is a detriment-they’re not supposed to give me the message, they’re supposed to give it to my Chain of Command. The problem is, I don’t have a Military Chain of Command, unless you count my bosses in Washington, D.C.. I am a Chief, and I am my own Chief. I would also need to call my boss and let him know the situation and that I would be taking emergency leave for 2 weeks, effective immediately. I would have to run the Leave chit through TSC’s QD.

After that, I need to get with the NMCRS to get the loan and tickets back to Michigan, and then pack and everything. Of course, true to our nature, even being gone a week (I anticipate being back in MI for about a week, as the girls can’t miss too much school, and then coming back here for a week off from work, as I will need time to decompress), there are many things we need to take into consideration and to inform that we won’t be there, such as Sea Cadets (Luke and Justyce), School (Justyce and Colbi Lyn), School of Rock (Justyce), band (Justyce) and orchestra (Colbi Lyn), Softball (Luke and Colbi), and Luke’s college course (just to inform them of a relative lack of participation due to the circumstances). There are so many things going on over the next week or so (including a Daddy-Daughter dance, which we’ve already spent money for tickets on, and bought the girls new dresses for), but obviously it’s all secondary to this likely trip to Michigan. I plan to get us there as soon as possible, not wasting any time, in order to be there and help my mom, Danny and the girls with whatever they need to.

So, now, for the second day in a row, I am simply playing the “waiting game”. It’s not easy to essentially just sit around, waiting for an inevitable phone call. I know she’s a fighter, and I love my sister, but I do want her pain to end. I’m not sure what she’s holding on to before she lets go, but it’s something. I just want my little sister to be at peace…

* I refer to Shayna’s death as Event 0, because that is the event that will set all others into motion. I just didn’t want to keep saying “when Shayna dies” or variations of that, it was much easier to refer to it as “Event 0.”