Monthly Archives: January 2012

For the most part, I have a good attitude when I’m underway. I’m in the Navy, and this is my job. I don’t particularly mind being underway, it just sucks to be away from my family and loved ones. Actually being underway is fine for the most part-some drama on occasion, but that’s to be expected. It’s comforting to be out to sea, and I enjoy going to various ports around the world, despite the fact that there are far more days where we’re not in port to those that we are. I would really love to take a cruise some day, so that I get the experience of being out to sea and not working 12-20 hour days while doing so.

However, every once in a while, you just have one of those weeks. This past week or so was one of mine. It started off horribly on Friday, with some major drama back at home, concerning one of the kids. Now, I typically have no problem sharing damn near everything with people, but this was so major that I’m not even willing to talk about it. It was rough, both for me out here and especially for everyone back in California. It looks like the worst of it has subsided, but that doesn’t mean the situation is over, it’s actually pretty far from being resolved. The worst part is I don’t think that would have happened if I had been home.
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My littlest guy was born exactly one year ago today. It was a different scenario for me, because he was the first of my biological children that I was not there for the birth. (NOTE: For those who don’t know, I adopted my oldest son, Devin, shortly before his second birthday…he will never have known a father other than me, I have been with his mom since before his first birthday. Obviously, since Mary and I weren’t together when she had him, I was not there for his birth either). I was there for the birth of both of the girls, Justyce and Colbi.

So, how was it different? Well, because I wasn’t there, I didn’t have that actual, instant connection you get with a child when you hold them mere minutes after they’re born. Or even a day or two after they’re born. I didn’t see Logan until a full 7 weeks after his birth. As excited as I was (and still am), for his birth and everything about him, just from looking at the pictures, I didn’t have any sort of connection with him. I was afraid that missing his birth was going to screw up the relationship that we were going to have.

And, that has been my biggest fear with children, and why I was happy stopping after two daughters-the fractured father-son dynamic in my family. I know I keep saying this, and I promise I will, but I’ll get more into my father’s life and our relationship in a later post. Read the rest of this entry →