The resumption of life

An odd thing happened today…I had to return to work. And, as much as it sucks, it was just business-as-usual. There are no lasting effects, at least not here for me, from my sisters loss. I miss her, of course, but seeing as how I’m 2200 miles away on a normal day (and some 7000 miles away at other times), Shayna hasn’t been a part of my daily life since the summer of 1995, my last summer at “home” before spending summers up at GVSU attending courses.

As much as the funeral tore me up, after it, I had made my peace with things. Yes, it was odd staying several days at Dan’s house (I don’t want to call it Shayna’s house anymore) without her there, but we did. For most of the last week we were there in Michigan, I met my future in-laws, and we spent time with my future MIL in Eaton Rapids. It was good, I don’t think I could have stayed around Dan’s house that whole time, and I really, truly felt he had a lot of order to re-establish in his house, and I didn’t want five extra visitors to be in the way.

DeLainey and Selena returned to school the monday after their mom’s funeral. That’s also part of why we left on Sunday, the day after the funeral-I didn’t want my kids, who couldn’t go back to school because we were so far away, to distract them and make them stay up too late, etc.

Dan went back to work the following Friday. He’s dealing with this, he’s a 31 year old widower, and I’m not sure what I’d do in the situation either. I know everyone says it, but I really hope he realizes that I’m here if he needs anything. I do worry about him, but at least he has a support system (his family) nearby, and they’ve done a good job of making sure he has someone there if they think he needs someone.

Even moreso than Dan, I am worried about my mom. She truly lost her best (only?) friend, the one she did everything with. She was crying as we were leaving for Darlene’s, and I felt horrible leaving her. She returned to work today as well, and I know her return is likely to mean more crying, as she’s going to, again, have to deal with people and their wishes of sympathy, much like at the viewings. I hope, for her sake, that everyone just leaves her alone, and I’m not saying that to be mean, I just know my mom and it’d be easier on her.

Even harder today was the fact that Mary and I had spent damn near every minute of the past 2+ weeks together, and for 8 hours or so today (plus softball practice, which Colbi Lyn and I return to today), we’ve had to be apart.

So, today was rather uneventful in my return to work. No cards on my desk (thankfully), no emails of condolences and sorrow. I guess my real test with missing my sister will be one of the numerous Breast Cancer Walks/Runs I do (both the Network of Strength’s “Walk to Empower” on Mother’s Day, and City of Hope’s “Walk for Hope” are coming up in May), when I will have to walk “In Memory of” my sister, as opposed to “In Honor of” her. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle this year’s Breast Cancer 3-Day (which I’m not walking due to the fact that I’ll be deployed, but I’m still participating in by doing all the fundraising and training for as much as I can)-I’m sure I’d spend a lot of the 3 days crying, not just during Opening and Closing ceremonies like usual.