Daily Archives: March 1, 2010
Only a month away
I’m marrying my beautiful bride-to-be, Mary, a month from today. We got engaged at the end of November and had planned to get married in August, as I was supposed to go on leave then while I was in transit to my next command. We figured that gave us enough time to both plan and save money for the wedding.
But, of course, the Navy decided to transfer me early, which I was 100% OK with, which derailed those plans. Just to get it done before, in order to be married before I deployed later this year, we decided to get married on the only week we could pull the girls out of school for an extended period of time for-Spring Break, which also happened to be Easter weekend.
She really wanted to get married at the Olivet Congregational Church. Having a church wedding on a religious holiday weekend became difficult to plan. So, we planned a Wednesday wedding, to avoid the holidays. And, it just so happened that it was also April Fool’s Day, which I found humorous. (It also happens to be my mom and her husbands anniversary.)
Let me tell you-wedding planning is not easy, particularly when you’re doing it in a short amount of time (2 months) and from 2200 miles away. There are so many things you have to figure out and plan. Throw a modest budget on top of that and it’s more difficult. Add a lifelong procrastinator on top of it and it’s even worse.
The worst part about this is that, now, my sister Shayna’s absence will be greatly felt at the wedding. After she started to get sicker, her last major milestone that she was trying to make it to was my wedding day. She fell 35 days short of making it there. 35 days later, I’m sure the pain will still be felt by all.
One of the things that mom said to me that spurred my decision to try to make it out before Shayna was gone was that she was so happy I’d finally found someone, and she’d hoped to meet her. I wanted them to meet as well, as they are two of the 3 grown women who mean the world to me (mom being the other).
The benefit to being here before the wedding, with several days to spare, is that we’re able to take care of some wedding planning in person
So, today, we finally visited the VFW, where the reception will be held. It was pretty spacious, and we were glad to see where it would be held. We hope to see the church this week as well.
We had planned to buy some of the items in San Diego (table decorations, candles, etc.) and send out here in the mail. We also needed to help my best man get his tux, and buy dresses for DeLainey and Selena, which we figure would be a good distraction this weekend.
Eulogizing my sister, Shayna
Eulogizing my sister, Shayna
The Pastor who delivered the memorial service for Shayna had never met her, but he was the official at the church that her and her family attended (Thornapple Valley Church). We met with him on Thursday to talk and get a feeling for how things were going to go, and for him to get a feeling of who she was. In talking with us, we decided it was best if he not deliver a prepared Eulogy; between Selena, my mom and I, we would take care of it, as we planned to open the floor so that anyone could speak, and the three of us were definitely speaking (or being spoken for). Selena was designated first up when he opened the floor, and I was to go next. Mom had Cathie Ray read her Eulogy, because she knew she wouldn’t be able to be composed enough to do so. After that, Colbi Lyn went up, a representative from her work at Borgess went up, and our step-mother Diane also went up. Needless to say, there was a lot of crying, and I am man enough to admit that I did a lot as well while I was delivering my part of the Eulogy.
Although I am the one who typed all three, I don’t feel comfortable sharing Selena’s and mom’s. However, these were heartfelt words from me, and I want to share with you the words I said about my amazing sister, Shayna, at her funeral.
Shayna and I were your typical 80’s, brother and sister. Our parents divorced before we were teens, mom got a job that was second shift, and we were latch-key kids. We played Barbies together, we played GI Joes together. We loved each other, we fought with each other, we pestered each other, and we got each other in trouble.
When she came into high school two years after I did, we became good friends, and I hung out with her and her friends at lunch and at other school events. I was happy to spend time with my little sister.
But, something happened when gave me my first beautiful niece, whom I used to call “Baby Dee” and she showed me the importance of life. Eventually she married one of my childhood friends, Danny, who lived practically around the corner of us. I was very happy for them. After another niece, and making me proud by graduating from college, she began to amaze me even more. I admired her as a mother; I admired her as a sister; and I admired her as a person. The world was made better by Shayna’s presence in it.
In 2005, she was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We had absolutely no cancer in our family at that point, and with her being a young 27, it was not something we’d expected. She was strong, did her treatments and surgery, and was declared cancer-free the following year.
I was naïve about cancer then, and although I’ve learned a lot, I still feel very naïve about it. After about a year without cancer, it came back. I never knew it could do that, and that really caught me off guard. Ever the fighter, she didn’t let it faze her, despite the damage it was doing on her body.As the fight raged on, I was so incredibly proud of my sister, and saw a lot of mom’s strength in her, maybe even more so than mom. I truly admired her, and I admired her battle, more than she could ever know. She quickly became my hero, and fortunately, I was able to tell her that before it was too late, although it was much later than it should have been.
Being the big brother, I felt compelled to help, despite being so far away. Since I wasn’t able to assist her personally, I was inspired to get involved in the Breast Cancer 3-Day events, which have changed my life, and events like the Walk for Hope and Race for the Cure. Shayna had far more people praying for her, just from hearing her story from me, than she could have ever known.
I have been walking “In Honor of” her for so long and in so many events, I knew the day would come where I had to walk “In Memory of” her instead. I just hoped that time would be a long time away.
When her she started getting worse last month, we knew the end was near. I kept getting calls and emails from those concerned, telling me I needed to come home to see her. It was a very rough month for me, although I feel it was far easier on me than if I was here and had to witness it. Once she went in to Hospice last week, I made the decision that I had to wait until she was gone to come home, in order to be here for the funeral. That was more important to me than seeing her before she was gone-I wanted to be able to help Danny, mom and the girls when they needed it most, and I would have felt horrible to actually miss the funeral.
On Sunday, that changed…mom did let me know that it the end was very near, and shared with me that Shayna was happy that I’d finally met someone that made me happy, and that the last big milestone she was trying to make it to was our wedding. It was at that point that I decided I wanted to come back and let her meet Mary before it was too late. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it in time.
Colbi, my youngest daughter, asked me a question the day that her Auntie Shayna died. Actually, she asked me about 100 questions, ranging from “where will Auntie be buried” to “will Auntie be cremated”? However, the question that she asked that stuck out most in my head was “now that Auntie’s gone, will you still do the Breast Cancer walks”, to which I immediately replied “absolutely.” As much as I hoped that my participation in these walks would benefit Shayna in her battle, I knew with her aggressive cancer, that it wasn’t likely. However, as I told Colbi, I have to keep walking, so that no other mothers, wives, aunties and sisters have to be lost. I know how it is to lose a sibling, and for my girls to lose their aunt, for one of my childhood friends to lose his wife, and for my beautiful nieces to lose their mother, and it’s horrible and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.
Shayna is gone, but her legacy is far from over. She has left her impression on so many people that it will live on forever. This week, I not only lost my sister, but I lost a good friend and the world lost one of it’s best people. I love you Shayna, and I miss you already.
