Daily Archives: February 23, 2010

I recently took a gamble. You see, my sister, Shayna, was near the end of her fight with Breast Cancer, as she’d taken a horrible and dramatic turn for the worse last month, then an even more horrible and dramatic turn for the worse last week. After last month’s decline, family and friends kept telling me “you need to come visit your sister, because she’s not going to be around long.” To which my reply was that I couldn’t, because I couldn’t come out there just to see her and come back for the funeral. And, because I couldn’t, in good conscience, come home by myself (which would’ve been relatively inexpensive) without Mary, Justyce, Colbi Lyn and Devin as well.

What I didn’t say was that I didn’t know if I could just come out there to say “good bye” to my sister, intentionally knowing that I wouldn’t see her again. I’m not built that way…I’m the kid that hated going to see Grandma in the nursing home, because of the sense of impending death, and because of the others in the home (one thought I was her son even.) Shayna was the one that didn’t mind, and even worked there for a time. We’re two different people.

Last Thursday, as she’s laying there at Rose Arbor (a Hospice Facility in Kalamazoo), it looked like the end was very near, so much so that mom called me and had me say “good bye” to Shayna over the phone…it looked like she had hours to live at that point. However, Shayna, ever the fighter, pulled through and gave herself a few more days, but days that were in a great amount of pain. In the end, she had cancer in her bones and her brain, both incredibly painful cancers, and she’s allergic to Morphine, so they weren’t able to manage the pain very well. I said my “good bye” to her, crying and telling her she was my hero and that I loved her. I told the girls that night about how bad she was, as all I’d said previously was that she wasn’t doing well, that we didn’t know if she’d be able to attend the wedding, which is barely more than a month away now, and that we were going to be OK if she wasn’t feeling up to coming to the wedding, we’d see her regardless. I had the girls call and say their “good bye’s” to her on Saturday. Fortunately, that seemed to have the desired effect, they were able to talk about Auntie Shayna without crying. It seems to have provided closure.

Of course, I got a lot more frantic “you need to come home-NOW” requests/demands from my friends and family. I don’t hold it against everyone, I know they care, and I know that they don’t really know how uncomfortable it was going to be for me to come home to tell her “good bye” in person, and that I didn’t want her on her deathbed to be the last memory I had of her.

So, I gambled. On one hand, I had the option to have mom send a Red Cross message so that I could take Emergency Leave and be by my sister on her deathbed, waiting for her to pass, but seeing her before it was too late. But, she’s a fighter, and if she kept fighting as long as I was there, I wasn’t going to be able to come home for her funeral as well. On the other hand, I could wait until after she passed, and then come home for the funeral. I wouldn’t get to see her before she was gone, but I’d be able to be there for Mom, Danny and the girls in the aftermath.

I initially chose the latter…to ensure that I would be there for the funeral. That, to me, was the most important thing, and it was really the easier thing as well…to be reactionary, as I typically am. Don’t get me wrong-it was painful, and it was a decision I was wrestling with internally. It was hard to know that the call that your sister is dead is coming soon…

However, in talking with my mom on Sunday, I changed my mind. Mom sounded really confident that if I came out now, I would likely be there before the end, and for the funeral. That seemed like a win-win situation for me, especially after she talked with the Nurses and everyone on Monday. I informed my boss on Sunday that it was likely I’d be taking Emergency Leave on Tuesday or Wednesday and would be coming to Michigan for a couple of weeks, to give myself the best chance to be there to say good bye, but also to be at the funeral. I got him to sign a leave chit for me on Monday, so that I had that whenever I needed it. I would be on leave from February 24th-March 10th. That, I figured, gave me the best chance to get home and be there to say “good bye” and for the funeral.

One of the things that Mom said that caught my attention was that Shayna had told her how happy she was that I’d finally found someone (Mary, obviously) and mom wanted to give Shayna the chance to meet her future sister-in-law, and vice-versa. That was honestly what swayed me. Mary’s been amazing in her support of my Breast Cancer advocacy, and she’s even allowing us to tell people that for the wedding, in lieu of wedding gifts, we would prefer that they donate to her participation in the San Diego 3-Day for the Cure walk for this year. She’s walking her first 3-Day, as I’ll be deployed and will be unable to do so in person. (I’ll be doing so virtually, raising the money, but not physically walking.)

Mom sent the Red Cross message yesterday, and honestly, I got it a hell of a lot faster than I got my last one (when my father died-I found out at 730am that he was dead via an email from my sister, I was Helicoptered off the ship at about 2pm, some 6 hours later, and still had not received the message by then), and I’d already had my boss sign my leave chit, so, all I had left was to go to the Navy/Marine Corps Society on Tuesday, in order to get a loan for the $2,000 or so it would take to get the family back there, and we’d be able to get out there.

I went, and it was relatively quick and painless…it was expensive, but that’s why they loaned me the money (to be repaid over the next 12 months), but they got us a flight-we’d leave tonight at 10:45, take the red-eye, and be in Kalamazoo, MI tomorrow at 8am. All Shayna had to do was pull through for another day, and the girls and I would be able to see her, and she’d be able to meet her future sister-in-law, see her nieces that adore her, and, of course, see her brother one last time.

But, as much of a fighter as she is (well, was), it didn’t play out that way. Less than an hour after I’d secured our plane tickets home (at about 1:30pm Eastern Time), I got the phone call, right as I had pulled up to work and parked. Mom didn’t have to actually say it, because from the silence on her end when I picked up, and the fact that we had just talked and I’d told her about when we were coming in, I knew damn well what the phone call was about.

Expecting the phone call over the past few days, and knowing what that particular call was about many seconds before the phrase was said, didn’t make hearing it any easier to hear. I called up work and let my supervisor know that there was no way I could compose myself enough to come into work due to what happened, and I came home. I’m not on leave yet, but there’s no chance I’m working right now. There’s too much to do, and too many tears being shed. Luckily, because we have been anticipating this, we’ve got all of our “ducks in a row”, we’ve informed the schools, we’ve informed the extra-curriculars, and we’re all set to depart for two weeks.

My sister is my hero, and although she has left us, her legacy is far from over. She was a hell of a fighter, and stared down a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer, even after it spread to her brains and bones and caused her a lot of pain. Mom said that even on her deathbed, in the amount of pain she was in, she wasn’t bitching about it like normal people would. She was very strong, even at the end.

Her legacy will continue to be carried on by those of us who knew and loved her, including myself and my participation in the 3-Day for the Cure&tm; events, her children and nieces that knew and loved her, those who drew inspiration from her strength, and those who have been touched by her story, as more people have than she could have possibly imagined or realized.

Shayna Ann (Himebaugh) Vickery was born on January 24th, 1978 to Robert (Bo) Joe Himebaugh and Tirrel Wood. She left this world a mere 32 years later, far too soon; leaving behind a husband, Danny Vickery, and two daughters, DeLainey Hanley (13) and Selena Vickery (10).