Monthly Archives: February 2010

I recently took a gamble. You see, my sister, Shayna, was near the end of her fight with Breast Cancer, as she’d taken a horrible and dramatic turn for the worse last month, then an even more horrible and dramatic turn for the worse last week. After last month’s decline, family and friends kept telling me “you need to come visit your sister, because she’s not going to be around long.” To which my reply was that I couldn’t, because I couldn’t come out there just to see her and come back for the funeral. And, because I couldn’t, in good conscience, come home by myself (which would’ve been relatively inexpensive) without Mary, Justyce, Colbi Lyn and Devin as well.

What I didn’t say was that I didn’t know if I could just come out there to say “good bye” to my sister, intentionally knowing that I wouldn’t see her again. I’m not built that way…I’m the kid that hated going to see Grandma in the nursing home, because of the sense of impending death, and because of the others in the home (one thought I was her son even.) Shayna was the one that didn’t mind, and even worked there for a time. We’re two different people.

Last Thursday, as she’s laying there at Rose Arbor (a Hospice Facility in Kalamazoo), it looked like the end was very near, so much so that mom called me and had me say “good bye” to Shayna over the phone…it looked like she had hours to live at that point. However, Shayna, ever the fighter, pulled through and gave herself a few more days, but days that were in a great amount of pain. In the end, she had cancer in her bones and her brain, both incredibly painful cancers, and she’s allergic to Morphine, so they weren’t able to manage the pain very well. I said my “good bye” to her, crying and telling her she was my hero and that I loved her. I told the girls that night about how bad she was, as all I’d said previously was that she wasn’t doing well, that we didn’t know if she’d be able to attend the wedding, which is barely more than a month away now, and that we were going to be OK if she wasn’t feeling up to coming to the wedding, we’d see her regardless. I had the girls call and say their “good bye’s” to her on Saturday. Fortunately, that seemed to have the desired effect, they were able to talk about Auntie Shayna without crying. It seems to have provided closure.

Of course, I got a lot more frantic “you need to come home-NOW” requests/demands from my friends and family. I don’t hold it against everyone, I know they care, and I know that they don’t really know how uncomfortable it was going to be for me to come home to tell her “good bye” in person, and that I didn’t want her on her deathbed to be the last memory I had of her.

So, I gambled. On one hand, I had the option to have mom send a Red Cross message so that I could take Emergency Leave and be by my sister on her deathbed, waiting for her to pass, but seeing her before it was too late. But, she’s a fighter, and if she kept fighting as long as I was there, I wasn’t going to be able to come home for her funeral as well. On the other hand, I could wait until after she passed, and then come home for the funeral. I wouldn’t get to see her before she was gone, but I’d be able to be there for Mom, Danny and the girls in the aftermath.

I initially chose the latter…to ensure that I would be there for the funeral. That, to me, was the most important thing, and it was really the easier thing as well…to be reactionary, as I typically am. Don’t get me wrong-it was painful, and it was a decision I was wrestling with internally. It was hard to know that the call that your sister is dead is coming soon…

However, in talking with my mom on Sunday, I changed my mind. Mom sounded really confident that if I came out now, I would likely be there before the end, and for the funeral. That seemed like a win-win situation for me, especially after she talked with the Nurses and everyone on Monday. I informed my boss on Sunday that it was likely I’d be taking Emergency Leave on Tuesday or Wednesday and would be coming to Michigan for a couple of weeks, to give myself the best chance to be there to say good bye, but also to be at the funeral. I got him to sign a leave chit for me on Monday, so that I had that whenever I needed it. I would be on leave from February 24th-March 10th. That, I figured, gave me the best chance to get home and be there to say “good bye” and for the funeral.

One of the things that Mom said that caught my attention was that Shayna had told her how happy she was that I’d finally found someone (Mary, obviously) and mom wanted to give Shayna the chance to meet her future sister-in-law, and vice-versa. That was honestly what swayed me. Mary’s been amazing in her support of my Breast Cancer advocacy, and she’s even allowing us to tell people that for the wedding, in lieu of wedding gifts, we would prefer that they donate to her participation in the San Diego 3-Day for the Cure walk for this year. She’s walking her first 3-Day, as I’ll be deployed and will be unable to do so in person. (I’ll be doing so virtually, raising the money, but not physically walking.)

Mom sent the Red Cross message yesterday, and honestly, I got it a hell of a lot faster than I got my last one (when my father died-I found out at 730am that he was dead via an email from my sister, I was Helicoptered off the ship at about 2pm, some 6 hours later, and still had not received the message by then), and I’d already had my boss sign my leave chit, so, all I had left was to go to the Navy/Marine Corps Society on Tuesday, in order to get a loan for the $2,000 or so it would take to get the family back there, and we’d be able to get out there.

I went, and it was relatively quick and painless…it was expensive, but that’s why they loaned me the money (to be repaid over the next 12 months), but they got us a flight-we’d leave tonight at 10:45, take the red-eye, and be in Kalamazoo, MI tomorrow at 8am. All Shayna had to do was pull through for another day, and the girls and I would be able to see her, and she’d be able to meet her future sister-in-law, see her nieces that adore her, and, of course, see her brother one last time.

But, as much of a fighter as she is (well, was), it didn’t play out that way. Less than an hour after I’d secured our plane tickets home (at about 1:30pm Eastern Time), I got the phone call, right as I had pulled up to work and parked. Mom didn’t have to actually say it, because from the silence on her end when I picked up, and the fact that we had just talked and I’d told her about when we were coming in, I knew damn well what the phone call was about.

Expecting the phone call over the past few days, and knowing what that particular call was about many seconds before the phrase was said, didn’t make hearing it any easier to hear. I called up work and let my supervisor know that there was no way I could compose myself enough to come into work due to what happened, and I came home. I’m not on leave yet, but there’s no chance I’m working right now. There’s too much to do, and too many tears being shed. Luckily, because we have been anticipating this, we’ve got all of our “ducks in a row”, we’ve informed the schools, we’ve informed the extra-curriculars, and we’re all set to depart for two weeks.

My sister is my hero, and although she has left us, her legacy is far from over. She was a hell of a fighter, and stared down a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer, even after it spread to her brains and bones and caused her a lot of pain. Mom said that even on her deathbed, in the amount of pain she was in, she wasn’t bitching about it like normal people would. She was very strong, even at the end.

Her legacy will continue to be carried on by those of us who knew and loved her, including myself and my participation in the 3-Day for the Cure&tm; events, her children and nieces that knew and loved her, those who drew inspiration from her strength, and those who have been touched by her story, as more people have than she could have possibly imagined or realized.

Shayna Ann (Himebaugh) Vickery was born on January 24th, 1978 to Robert (Bo) Joe Himebaugh and Tirrel Wood. She left this world a mere 32 years later, far too soon; leaving behind a husband, Danny Vickery, and two daughters, DeLainey Hanley (13) and Selena Vickery (10).

I brought it up in my second update of my update on my sister, but my sister Shayna, is not doing well. Let me lay the foundation for how my day went yesterday…

It started out normal, as I actually did get up to PT (ok, so maybe me making it to the gym wasn’t normal per se, but it is always my intention) and came in to work. Work was…well…work, and I’ll get more into that in a bit.

We had a phone conference (phonecon) for our team, where we go over the projects that we are working on. These things can last a few minutes to a couple of hours-on Tuesday, we actually had a 2 1/2 hour phonecon between our team. I’m not a big fan of where I work (it bores me to death, among other things), which is why I ended up terminating my Shore Duty a few months early so that I could go back to Sea. Back to the point, the phonecons are dry and boring, and I typically get up and go to the bathroom, or get a drink, or something every half-hour or so-just to get up and walk around and avoid falling asleep (which I would do if I didn’t get up semi-frequently).

So, we’d been in the phonecon for 45 minutes, and I got up to go to the bathroom. I then stopped by my desk, in order to check my phone (as I often do) to see if Mary’s texted me or anything. Well, there were two missed calls from my mom (10:11 am and 10:16am) and two corresponding voicemails. Just for the record, my mom isn’t one to call repeatedly unless something is wrong, particularly when she knows I would be at work. I checked the first voicemail shortly after 10:30, and it was mom, crying, telling me to call her. Obviously I started crying, skipped the second VM and called her right back.

Luckily(?), it wasn’t what I had thought…Shayna was still alive, but barely. Mom told me to tell her good bye because she wasn’t going to last long. At that point, it literally looked like she had minutes-to-hours, not months-to-a-year as her doctor had told her a few weeks ago. Still crying, I told her that I loved her, that she was my hero and that I was proud of her. I think I just repeated those things a few times, I was a bit in shock. I’ve never had to make a “deathbed phone call” before, and I hope I never will again.

I took a few (SEVERAL) minutes to compose myself, and let them finish up with the phonecon, and then I went in and told my boss what happened. I was kinda numb to be honest. He said “whatever you need, Chief” and I just came back out and got on the computer, knowing I wasn’t going to work, but needing something to occupy my time (so I read up on some Hardball Talk, as I’m an avid baseball freak). After about 10 minutes, my boss told me to go home if I needed to, and I honestly took him up on it because staying at work would drive me nuts even more than being at home would.

The rest of the day went well, but it was incredibly difficult. I went home, talked to Mary about the course of events that would happen once Event 0* happened. After Event 0, mom would call me to let me know. This would set into motion an important chain of events. First, she would have to call the American Red Cross and get a record message to me. This is due to the fact that I can’t take Emergency Leave without it, and also for the fact that I don’t have enough money to come back to Michigan on short-notice right now, as all of our money has gone towards our wedding and our trip at the end of next month (which I hoped Shayna would still be around for, and I’d be able to see her and tell her good bye then). After this message, I would be able to get a no-interest loan from the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society (NMCRS) in order to fly myself, Mary, Justyce, Colbi and Devin back to MI. I remember when my father died in 2006 and I had to do the same thing, it cost the girls and I over $2000 to fly home, even on the Military Rate (an aside: the Military rate was cheaper than the Bereavement rate-I find this absolutely criminal.)

Back to yesterday-once I knew mom was calling the Red Cross, I would need to inform the TSC Quarterdeck (the building in which my command resides) and let them know that an AMCROSS is on the way and I need to know when it comes in (I’ve got to have the actual Date-Time Group from the message in order to talk to NMCRS). Now, this is where being the only military member in my command (I work for/with two retirees) is a detriment-they’re not supposed to give me the message, they’re supposed to give it to my Chain of Command. The problem is, I don’t have a Military Chain of Command, unless you count my bosses in Washington, D.C.. I am a Chief, and I am my own Chief. I would also need to call my boss and let him know the situation and that I would be taking emergency leave for 2 weeks, effective immediately. I would have to run the Leave chit through TSC’s QD.

After that, I need to get with the NMCRS to get the loan and tickets back to Michigan, and then pack and everything. Of course, true to our nature, even being gone a week (I anticipate being back in MI for about a week, as the girls can’t miss too much school, and then coming back here for a week off from work, as I will need time to decompress), there are many things we need to take into consideration and to inform that we won’t be there, such as Sea Cadets (Luke and Justyce), School (Justyce and Colbi Lyn), School of Rock (Justyce), band (Justyce) and orchestra (Colbi Lyn), Softball (Luke and Colbi), and Luke’s college course (just to inform them of a relative lack of participation due to the circumstances). There are so many things going on over the next week or so (including a Daddy-Daughter dance, which we’ve already spent money for tickets on, and bought the girls new dresses for), but obviously it’s all secondary to this likely trip to Michigan. I plan to get us there as soon as possible, not wasting any time, in order to be there and help my mom, Danny and the girls with whatever they need to.

So, now, for the second day in a row, I am simply playing the “waiting game”. It’s not easy to essentially just sit around, waiting for an inevitable phone call. I know she’s a fighter, and I love my sister, but I do want her pain to end. I’m not sure what she’s holding on to before she lets go, but it’s something. I just want my little sister to be at peace…

* I refer to Shayna’s death as Event 0, because that is the event that will set all others into motion. I just didn’t want to keep saying “when Shayna dies” or variations of that, it was much easier to refer to it as “Event 0.”

Shayna, Summer 2009, as edited by Lexi

Ever the fighter, it’s now some 10 hours or so later and she hasn’t given up yet. It’s been a rough day for me, essentially awaiting the phone call to inform me of my sisters death…as much as I love my sister, I want her pain to be over more than anything. She’s put up one hell of a fight for 4+ years.

I have talked with several people that spent time with her today, and all acknowledge that she’s very near the end.

Please pray for an end to her pain and for her to be at peace. Also, help out her family, if you can, by donating to www.shaynaann.com.

UPDATE, 2/18/10, 08:34am:I got a phone call from my mom last night, and she said that they’ve taken Shayna to a Hospice facility of some sort (sorry, I’m not very familiar with Hospice to be honest), in an effort to get her medications regulated. This way they can monitor her around the clock to make sure that the medications are how they need to be. She’s only supposed to be there for a couple of days. Hopefully they get it all worked out and she’s more comfortable after she leaves there.

2/16/10, 2:43pm:This is a hard update to write…and I’ve put it off for a few weeks now. I’ll start it off by pasting my Facebook status from my January 28th update:

“OK, I avoided putting this up last night when I found out, but this is weighing heavily on my mind-my sister is not doing well, she has taken a drastic turn for the worse in the past few days even, just as she turned 32 on Sunday. They have taken her off of Chemo because she is too weak to continue it, and they are looking into Hospice options right now.”

I also said the following, amongst the nearly-60 comments I’d received on the updated status:

“I just want everyone to know that she’s fighting, but this thing is trying desperately to kick her ass…I want to thank everyone for their concern and prayers. I cried a lot last night over this. I only posted this on here because I know that there are a lot of people who actually *know* my sister on my friends list, and several others who care by proxy (I’m talking about you fellow OB Walkers)…Wendy was there at the appointment and says that her read was that Shayna had somewhere between months and a year to live. Shayna’s a fighter though, this thing has spread throughout her body, and she isn’t giving up and going down without a fight…”

All of that transpired about 2 1/2 weeks ago. So, is there any new status? Not really, she’s still not doing well and she’s still fighting it. She’s trying to get all of her affairs in order for when something does happen while she can. She mostly is limited to being home and in the wheelchair, and someone is always there to assist her (friends while Danny is at work).

The only update is that recently, I keep getting told by family and friends that I should come out for a visit before it’s too late, but I don’t know if I can do that for a myriad of reasons. We’ll be there in about 40 days so that Mary and I can have our wedding. I have hope that she’ll hold out at least until then. It’s very rough to be far away, and to hear concerned friends and family members that she may not make it that long.

Shayna’s a fighter, and she’s my hero and I love her, and I know she’s going to do everything she can not to leave those daughters of hers behind until she has to, but I also understand the reality is that it’s going to happen in the near future, barring a miracle, and I’ve accepted that.